another void.

Another beautiful night in the bay; it looks and feels like autumn all over again. Glad I live in California, I wouldn’t be able to walk around like this right now in many other places.

I attended the premiere of Gregg Araki’s KABOOM! in San Francisco two days ago, and it was an amazing, memorable experience. The movie was just as good as I hoped, even better than I hoped; and I got to meet the man himself. In retrospect I wish I talked to him more in depth about a few things, but it was a surreal, awesome, cathartic 10 minutes nonetheless. He seemed stoked by the things I said: how his movies influenced my friends and I; how we use it as a touchstone of comfort and passion in this frankly dispassionate and confusing new era of American history; how they make me feel less alone. I’m glad I got it off my chest. It was the only thing I’ve really been looking forward to over the past few weeks, so now I’m kinda spinning in circles I guess. Feeling pretty aimless right now.

Wish I could get ahold of someone, I don’t want to be here right now. Been calling around. I want to go out tonight, to where there’s music and there’s people and they’re young in the light, but no one’s picking up. It is in my opinion that if you live in the bay and you’re feeling bored, you’re just not being creative enough. As such, I’m aware of the hypocrisy, and it bums me out. I haven’t done anything creative in a long time, not since The Waiting Wall video. And I know in my heart, I’m deeply afraid to. I’m sure everyone else who cares to look can see it too, and it’s quite humiliating.

Getting tired of this lifestyle and slowly trying to improve my technical skills. If I’m not going to create, I can at least hone my abilities. I’ve been focusing on health and education: exercising, eating better, drinking less, practicing piano, reading a lot, looking for a fucking job. Things that are easy to do and require no real critical effort, in the end. I know this is all more out of fear than anything, and I should be better than this, but that’s how I’ve been the past month…the past few months. Some day I’ll be alive, I’ll be pure, again; I swear it. But I always say that, don’t I?

- J